Thursday, October 23, 2014

Critiquing Applicants - Part 1

To give a better comprehension of what is an acceptable male stripper candidate, I decided to ask one of my agents to provide me with some recent applicants to show who gets hired and who doesn't. The quality of applicants range all across the spectrum. Apparently, each person has a different perception of what is considered "sexy," so let's use this post as a quick reference guide on what agencies review.

Keep in mind that the average cost of a male stripper in the industry is approximately $200 an hour, not including tips. An applicant must have exceptional qualities to justify a group of women forking out such an amount of cash for his time.

Without further ado, let's start on the applicants.

Male Stripper Applicant #01

Stage name: Tank

Information: None provided. This applicant did not follow any directions on the company's employment page and failed to give any of the requested information about himself, including whether he had transportation, costumes, or previous experience. This makes the applicant look unprofessional, because if he can't follow simple directions about an application process, imagine how poorly he'd fare with more complicated directions from specific bachelorette parties.

At least Tank provided some pics, which included a good view of his face. Most agents complain when applicants crop out their faces, which is about as absurd as a teacher hiding his teaching certifications while applying for a teaching position. You can see that Tank works out a little bit, but notice that he deliberately cropped the photo where his midsection starts. That shows he's trying to hide his abs, perhaps due to high body fat. He also fails to show his legs. Agents need to see whether an applicant has decent legs or chicken legs. 

Now onto his looks. First of all, Tank looks over 40 years old. Most bachelorette parties consist of girls in their 20s. This guy looks old enough to be their dad. Second, the long hair doesn't look good. Third, his physique is lacking in terms of muscular definition and symmetry. It's obvious he works out, but he fails to meet the competitive standards of the industry. 

Tank also included another picture that depicts him crawling on the floor with a lecherous grin. He looks like a serial rapist crawling after his victim. "Come 'ere, little girl. I'm gonna getcha!"

How on earth is this considered a good pic? 

"Want some candy, little girl?"
I think a bachelorette party would call the cops if this guy showed up to their door with this expression on his face asking for $200 an hour. 

Final Verdict: REJECTED

Male Stripper Applicant #02
Black Shaggy

Stage name: Black Shaggy

Real name, date of birth, location: *provided*

Experience: "No experience, but danced all my life."

Transportation: "No transportation but will relocate to area close

Phone number: *provided*

Costumes: No costumes

Height: 6'1"

Oh boy... Where to begin?

Let's start with the best thing about this applicant -- he followed directions and listed everything honestly.

I also see where he's going with his stage name, Black Shaggy. He does resemble Shaggy from Scooby Doo, except he's black. All he needs is a green shirt. That's pretty cool and all, but women don't exactly see Shaggy as a sex symbol. I guess it's a good nickname among his peers when he's getting high, which I'm assuming he does based on the droopy-eyed expression in the pic.

"I'm available for $200 an hour."
Beyond that, this guy has everything wrong. On a physical level, he doesn't even lift weights. His appearance is unkempt... And he needs to clean that mirror because it looks like it he has spent a lifetime popping explosive acne in front of it.

Black Shaggy has no experience and no costumes. No problem. I didn't either when I first applied.

But what the hell is he going to do without transportation? He claims that he can "relocate to an area close." How is that even possible? Perhaps he's going to live like a transient and move his tent for out-of-town bookings. Maybe he plans on riding a bicycle to and from each party. Imagine the female customer's surprise when Black Shaggy pulls up to the condo on a bicycle and asks for money.

I'm just curious what went through this guy's head when he viewed the roster of muscular male models and figured that he was on par with the rest of them, despite lacking experience, transportation, costumes, and all. "Yeah, women would totally pay $200 an hour for the Black Shaggy Show."

Final Verdict: REJECTED

Male Stripper Applicant #03

Stage name: Adonis

Real name, date of birth, location: *provided*

Experience: "I've worked with an exotic stripping agency before."

Transportation: "I have a car."

Phone number: *provided*

Costumes: jungle loin cloth and police officer

Height: 5'10"

This is the ideal applicant! First off, he followed all directions and sent multiple pictures, most of which depict his face, body, and even legs! They were high quality pictures taken in good lighting, not grainy selfies taken in the dark. As you can see in the above pic, Adonis is in top physique condition with great muscularity, symmetry, and low body fat---notice the visible abs, developed legs, and rippling torso. 

The agent said that Adonis seemed very polite and professional on the phone. Adonis verified his work history and had a good understanding of what the job was all about.

For you future stripper applicants out there, take notes. This is what your competition looks like. Any agency would have an easy time marketing him to a group of ladies for $200 an hour. 

Final Verdict: HIRED

That's the end of part one. Stay tuned for a future batch of "Critiquing Applicants."

DISCLAIMER: All pictures posted have been submitted via permission/waiver of the original owner. 


  1. I thought this was going to be a funny post, kind of like looking at the creepy family photos website. But this was really an informative look at works and doesn't work. Good job. I get Tank providing the photo of him crawling on the ground looking all Jason vs Freddy -- as what's sexy is subjective and he may think that look really gets him the ladies. It might also be his perception of male stripping/dancing. What I don't get is Shaggy providing such dark, grainy images when he clearly owns a phone with a camera. And that mirror was just nasty. I didn't even look at him at first -- all I could see was that mirror .LOL

  2. This is one of your best articles to date, should have been the book too. Those first two were terrifying