An Uncommon Problem

Here's an interesting e-mail sent in by Drake that touches up on an important and often forgotten about subject:

Hi Dion,

I really enjoy reading your blog. I started as a male stripper a few months ago so your blog is like a guide for me. 

I have one kind of disgusting question for you though and I hope you don't mind my asking. What do you do if you're performing at a show and you get a bad case of the runs and you have to use the toilet? Do you excuse yourself and use the toilet there and continue performing where you left off? Or do you suffer through the rest of the performance and find a bathroom after?  

I had this problem at a performance recently and managed to make it through but I thought I was going to die. Have you had this problem before. Thanks in advance for answering my questions and keep on writing!

Cheers,

Drake

My response: 

I had to admit, I laughed when I read this. Drake brings up an interesting point though. The last thing a male stripper (or any performer) wants is to get the shits before the show. No girl is going to think you're sexy when you excuse yourself for a few minutes to blow up her toilet then return to bare your ass in front of her. Fortunately, I have only encountered this dreadful experience a handful of times throughout a whole decade and I managed to escape unscathed. 

The first time, I felt the sharp pangs of pain in my midsection while driving toward a show. Luckily, I had left early and was only ten minutes down the road from my home at the time. I turned my car back around, went home, did my business and showered. I called the ladies up and told them I was going to be a little late, then resumed my trip without further incident.

Another time, I was still recovering from a horrible bout of food poisoning when I took a Saturday show. I was in pain throughout the whole performance and could only struggle through it with half-hearted effort. I made a false show of enthusiasm and motivation for the crowd on the outside, but on the inside I was in torment counting down the minutes until I could leave. To make matters worse, a beautiful lady there took a fancy to me. She was 26 years old, worked as a teacher, and took care of herself by training at a gym regularly. This girl walked me to my car and the only thing on my mind at the time was how the hell I was going to get the hell out of there without being rude to her. She tried to linger, as though she were expecting to exchange phone numbers and a plan future date. I disappointed her, having more urgent matters to attend to. Of course, when I completely recovered, I regretted that because she seemed like someone I'd like to know better. 

I never had to bomb a toilet at a show or performance. That would be embarrassing. The last thing a girl wants is an ass near her face that is fresh off the toilet. 

One method I use to avoid such a catastrophe is eat a light snack before a performance. My meal would consist of fresh fruit, bread, almonds, or a fresh cut vegetable like a cucumber. I seldom stray from this choice since my body is used to this selection. I advise against eating a heavy meal or something completely different from your normal diet beforehand---wait afterwards. High calorie foods with a lot of grease and fat, such as a thick cheese pizza with greasy meat toppings, should be avoided at all costs; not only do such foods increase the likelihood of an upset bowel movement, but they tend to give the body a more 'bloated' look due to excess sodium. Plus, foods with too much sugar and fat tend to hinder one's ability to maintain muscular definition. 

Overall, eating a light snack before a show has kept the number of shitty incidents down to a minimum throughout my career. So Drake, if you have to go, try to go without the girls' knowledge, but it's best to eat something that your stomach can handle. Don't eat a lot of anything before the show either. When in doubt about your food selection, it's better to be weak from hunger than quivering in pain from the shits. Remember, you can always eat after the show is done.