Thursday, November 6, 2014

Critiquing Applicants - Part 2

Welcome again to another series of "Critiquing Applicants." Once again, several men feel that they are sexy enough to perform in front of a crowd of ladies at $200 an hour. Lucky for you, the reader, and me, one of my agents was kind (or mean) enough to forward me another batch of applicants. Let's see how they fare.

Male Stripper Applicant #04


Stage Name: None Provided

Instead of following directions, this particular applicant attached a few pictures and wrote this message that is really just a long run-on sentence:

hey im Bob (real name changed) ive been doing this myself and with my gf for a year or so we need more work so i thought you may be able to help im 21 6foot8 220lb ican dance spin poi/fire and even do some DJ work 

Judging by the pictures he provided, I can see why he needs more work. He also needs to work on his writing skills; I've seen grade school children put out better writing.

Here's what my agent said: "It's funny when applicants lie about their experience. He claims that he and his girlfriend have been stripping for a year, but he doesn't seem to even know what being a male stripper is about. And the so-called "girlfriend" didn't apply for job, but he's claiming she needs work too. If she were real, wouldn't she have applied too?"

Besides those suspicions, there are several more glaring problems here. First, this guy looks like he had never spent a day in the gym; no visible abs, flat chest, thin arms, and poor taste in tattoos. Seriously, what is with the tattoo on his chest? His pose looks like a feminine slouch. He also fails to show his legs in the pics too, but one can assume that they lack the chiseled refinery just like the rest of his body.

He does have a few good things though. Being tall in this profession is always a good thing, but he's more like a lanky Sasquatch at 6'8" than a stripper. His facial aesthetics are good enough, and he probably may look the part in clothes...until he strips, of course. The strip-o-gram companies don't need DJs, but if he can spin fire, then that's a pretty cool trick for showmanship, although a private bachelorette party wouldn't want him to burn down their living room.

Overall, there really isn't any way an agent can justify charging women for this guy. He didn't follow directions, he doesn't have costumes, and he doesn't fit the requirements. If he is a male stripper, as he claims, then he probably works at a gay club and markets himself as a twink, because the bachelorette parties tend to require more muscular guys.

Final Verdict: REJECTED




"Can be ripped in ten days"
Male Stripper Applicant #05

Stage Name: Slim Goodbody

Slim Goodbody's choice of a stage name is ironic. His e-mails to the company are even better.

Here's his opening message in reference to employment:

Love it
Give me a call (phone number omitted)
That was it. No other information; no pictures. He left a phone number without an area code. Slim must have never met anyone outside his town, because he would know that an area code is required.

On a side note, this example is a great way to stay unemployed. Never contact an employer with such an unprofessional attitude and demand they call you, even if it is a job like stripping. Follow the directions, gauge what the company is looking for, and communicate in a professional and polite manner. Slim's opening message was downright rude.

Nevertheless, my agent gave Slim a short response about following directions and never expected to hear from him again, but lo and behold, Slim responded with his pictures and information:

Real name: Provided
Location: Provided
Date-of-birth: NOT provided (hiding something, Slim?)
Transportation: Yes
Phone number: Provided, but without area code
Stage name: Slim Goodbody
Height: 6'5"

He attached his pictures and included the following message.

"Can be ripped in ten days"


Now judging from his picture, there is no way he can shred enough body fat in ten days to look "ripped." Even if that were possible, Slim lacks the muscle mass to look the part for the job. He, as his stage name implies, is too slim for the job in terms of muscularity.

Slim Goodbody over 15 years ago.
Slim should have gotten ripped first, then applied. Not the other way around. That's like applying for an top-paid engineer position without a degree or any experience and saying, "Well, I can get my engineering degree in four years." Get your qualifications in order before you apply.

We're not done just yet. Slim provided one more picture for the agency to review, which is listed on the right.

There are several things wrong with this photo. First of all, it was obviously taken a while ago, perhaps in Slim's glory days of being in shape and on the basketball team. Second, it shows possible deception on Slim's part, like he's trying to impress upon the viewer that he's a superb athlete. Maybe he was a superb athlete, but that was in the past. Sorry, Slim. Showing the old photo tactic might have worked back towards the beginning of the millennium, but people have caught on now.

Final Verdict: REJECTED





Male Stripper Applicant #06

Stage Name: Golden Boy

Golden Boy followed directions and sent in several pictures. Given the insufficient quality of most male applicants, my agent was pleasantly surprised with this one.

According to the pictures, Golden Boy has a great look, overall. He has the face of a model, and any company could market him based off a head shot alone. Some girls request blonde guys, so he could fill that particular niche too.

Golden Boy is in decent shape, but he is far from top tier in this industry. He doesn't show his legs in any picture. He could fill out his frame some more and tone those abs, because he'd pale in comparison against most of the other established male strippers out there. Under normal circumstances, an agency would dock points for these shortcomings in his physique, but his facial aesthetics more than compensate. Golden Boy is a prime example of how good looks can offset other weaknesses.

Then my agent interviewed him.

"He's only twenty-two and still wet behind the ears," my agent said.

Age can be a touchy issue for male strippers. Agents tend to shirk away from younger guys (under 25) due to a lack of maturity and work ethic.

Here's what another agent summed up about younger guys: "They show up late, or cancel at the last minute, or they use the parties as their personal hookup joint. Whatever it is, they're either unreliable or cause trouble."

Still, Golden Boy has potential in the industry. The agent told him to build up a bit more muscle mass, especially in the chest area, and work on the abs. At 5'11", Golden Boy stands at a good height, and probably won't get complained on. However, most of the work will go to a more established stripper in the area unless Golden Boy can prove himself the better candidate.

Golden Boy has no experience either. Usually, many high-end companies prefer guys with experience, and some only hire guys with experience. They'll make exceptions for the right guy and put him through training and give him a trial run to see if he works out. If the customers like him, and he proves reliable, then he can stay with the company and take bookings on his own.

Final Verdict: HIRED UNDER PROBATIONARY CONDITIONS




3 comments:

  1. Please keep doing thease, they are both informative and super entertaining.
    Dion, you started before you were were 25 right? You were also able to do some on the job training? Does that not happen for most newcomer, who can meet the requirements? Were you a special case?

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    Replies
    1. I'll try to have Part 3 out later this month.

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  2. Thank you for the feedback. I have the content for Part 3, but haven't written it out yet. Comments like yours definitely give me incentive to produce more of these.

    I started before I was 25 and had minimal on-the-job training, which will be described in my memoir. I wasn't a special case or anything. My first agency was not exactly the cream of the crop.

    Higher end agencies prefer experience. Some newcomers who meet the requirements can get training, obviously.

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