Drew: The Dadbod Stripper

A recent party of mine shared their previous stripper experience with me. It took place two years ago in Auburn, Alabama, and their dancer was Drew from Atlanta. They were in constant laughter while telling the story.

According to them, Drew showed up in his cop uniform already drenched in sweat. The girls suspected he took meth beforehand.

Drew rocked his hips in an ungraceful manner and shouted, "I heard you girls been naughty!"

He proceeded to strip down to a white "wife-beater," white Fruit-of-the-Loom underwear, and white socks that covered his calves. The wife-beater had several stains and was covered in sweat. The Fruit-of-the-Loom underwear had the back manually cut out to resemble a thong, and it looked just as unwashed as the wife-beater. The dirty socks completed the all-white ensemble.

The story only gets worse.

Drew approached one of the girls, pulled his wife-beater out, and draped it over her head, rubbing his sweaty midsection against her face. The girl in question described the experience as "traumatic, grimy, and smelly."

"Was he at least good looking or built?" I asked.

"Not at all," one answered. "He was very ugly and looked like he did meth. And he had a dadbod. No abs at all. Just a gut."

As he tried to dance with the other girls, his balls flopped out of his makeshift Fruit-of-the-Loom thong and dangled from the side. He attempted to thrust them towards several faces. Most of the women ran.

Drew couldn't dance either. He strutted awkwardly about.

The trump card of his performance was picking up dollar bills by pinching his ass cheeks together.

First, he asked the girls to set the dollar bills on their laps. He would pick up the one-dollar bill with his hand and hold it up towards the light to see if it was counterfeit. Then he would set the bill back down onto the girl's lap, squat down over it, and pinch the dollar off.

"It was the most unattractive thing I had ever seen a man do," another girl said, laughing. "His ass was hairy and sweaty, and I thought he was about to take a dump on me."

"I'm not sure why he was checking the one-dollar bills," I said. "They don't have that vertical security bar."

"We're not sure why either. Maybe he needed every dollar to buy that meth after the show."

For the grand finale, Drew attempted to pick a dollar off the floor with his ass cheeks. He failed. After 15 more attempts, he said, "I can usually pick it up!"

The girls had had enough and asked him to leave. His performance only lasted fifteen minutes.

It's unbelievable that an agency actually hired this guy and sent him out to a party. Perhaps he was more chiseled starting out, but got out of shape over time. Either way, I'm surprised these girls dared to hire another stripper after him.

Drew, if you're reading this, then you need to quit. You're giving the industry a bad name.