Saturday, March 7, 2015

Critiquing Applicants - Part 4

Spring break is upon us. Women use this time to travel out of town and throw bachelorette parties and weddings. Therefore, entertainment companies are hiring dancers in droves to keep up with the demand. Let's take a look at the newest batch of applicants.

Bending over to take it in the bum.
Male Stripper Applicant #11

Stage Name: Panty Boy

This applicant didn't follow directions and provide any information about himself. He simply wrote, "Can I get some lessons?" Not very fucking profession, if you ask me. When applying for a job, you should give a brief introduction and why you're the right person for the position. However, he did attach three pictures. So let's critique two of them.

First, he has no visible abs and... What the fuck? Is he wearing a pair of girl panties in the picture below?! Bwahahahhahaha! Notice the frilly white trim on blue. The bachelorette party would be in stitches over that! Why in the hell did you choose to wear panties out of all things when applying?

The New Novelty: Women's Panties

I cannot post the third picture because it depicts Panty Boy's erect penis. The company's employment section specifically states, "We DO NOT require nude photos. Men, do not send us pictures of your penis." Way to follow directions there, Panty Boy. 

In his penis photo, he is wearing a wedding ring. Does his wife know that he's applying to become a male stripper? Did she provide him her panties, or did he swipe them without her knowing?

Anyway, beyond the glaring obvious problems -- such as the lack of face pics, muscularity, costumes, experience, and other essential information -- Panty Boy cannot follow simple instructions, which is grounds for instant disqualification. That's very important in a job, you know.

Final Verdict: Rejected

"Attributes include pack and many tattoos."
Male Stripper Applicant #12

Stage Name: Crane

Our next person had a little more tact, and even opened up with a short introduction:

"Hello, My name is Crane (Name altered) and I am very interested in being a male exotic dancer. I am 21 years old, body type slim but toned, tattooed, black and brazilian ethnicity.Attributes include pack and many tattoos."

Okay, compared to some of these other guys, that's not a bad opening, but once again, he did not follow the company's employment instructions. He was supposed to include other crucial items such as a phone number, years of experience, costumes owned, etc. Unfortunately, Crane's best attribute was this e-mail.

Crane only attached one pic, which limits the scope of a good critique, but was sufficient in this case. He wasn't kidding when he mentioned being thin. An average-sized woman could snap him in two. As for facial aesthetics, he cannot justify charging customers an average of $200 an hour, either. Will Smith and Denzel Washington, he is not.

In the last sentence of his e-mail, he claims his attributes are his "pack and many tattoos." For those of you who aren't native English speakers, "pack" means a "six-pack" or visible abdominal muscles. Since that's his attribute, he should've sent a pic showing it off instead of wearing a shirt, although that wouldn't have helped his chances much. 

Finally, tattoos are not an attribute for male strippers. Period. You're not going to get hired just because you got inked up several times. He should've spent that time in the gym, instead.

Final Verdict: Rejected

Nice double-chin!
Male Stripper Applicant #13

Stage Name: Geezer

Have you ever seen an older guy, around fifty years old, attempt to flirt with a twenty-year-old girl, and wondered what the hell that old man was thinking? Or perhaps you've met an old pervert who needed to hang up the player game and retire. Everyone knows someone like that. This e-mail gives a perfect example:

Attached find several pics of me.  I'm a young 47, 7" cock, little bit of a belly, Married to an escort  http://(call-girl website link removed)  I do all her bookings so, I get it and thought why don"t I do it,

Sounds great your more than welcome to come to our home in (location removed).
Thanks and I look forward to your reply.
Geezer (actual name changed)

All right. There are many problems here, and I don't know where to start. First off, 47 years old is not "young." Now it's possible to work as a male stripper at 47, given that you still look good and have a great physique. For instance, Ian Ziering worked for the Chippendales at the ripe age of 50. I'm sad to inform you that Geezer here is no Ian Ziering.

"I'm a young 47"
In addition to the pictures you see here, Geezer attached some explicit pictures of his penis, which I cannot post. In fact, he uploaded a total of eight pictures, half of them displaying his penis at various angles. The company he applied for specifically stated, "No penis pictures." Booking agents don't want to see your junk, Geezer. On top of that, Geezer lied about his size -- he's not even close to seven inches. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to pour some rubbing alcohol in my eyes and give myself a concussion to purge my mind of these images...

Geezer also uploaded a pic of himself penetrating his escort wife. I just have to shake my head and wonder: How the hell does he think that a picture of him screwing his wife is going to get him hired? Is he trying to announce, "Look here! Some girl is having sex with me, so I'm definitely desirable!" Learn to follow instructions, Geezer. You're old enough to know how to read.

Beyond the "bit of belly," the lack of muscularity, and the other glaring obvious traits, you're just not marketable, Geezer. Most of the clientele are girls in their twenties. They don't want to hire an out-of-shape guy who's the same age as their fathers. Just because you had 47 years to cultivate your pick-up artist skills doesn't mean that girls are lining up to worship your body.

Final Verdict: Rejected.

On a side note, I went to Geezer's wife's escort website and discovered that she wasn't bad. She appeared much younger and had a decent body. She charges a minimum of $500 an hour for outcalls, though, which I think is outrageous. For that much money, I'll take my business to Europe should I ever need an escort, thank you. Then again, meeting people on apps like Tinder is free.


  1. Glad you explained what "pack" is. I thought maybe he was bragging about some fancy new backpack or fanny pack. Was it too much trouble for him to type the one little number "6" in his email?

    1. I was thinking the same thing! Maybe he forgot?

  2. Of the 3 guys.. I can not make up my mind which one is worse. They are all equally delusional about their chances of becoming a male stripper.

    Sometimes one can only shake one`s head and laugh.

    Another entertaining post Dion... Thanks !

    1. My agent sent me three more today, and they're just as bad. I agree with you. I cannot comprehend how they can go to a website, see a bunch of male models, and say, "Oh, I can compete with them!"

      When I first applied for an online company, I was afraid I was at the bottom of the barrel.

  3. I Got a GOOD laugh out of Panty Boy
    I don't believe he was serious writing this

    1. Glad you were entertained!

      I think he was serious... I didn't include the subsequent e-mails the company forwarded to me, but he really wanted to train for the job.

  4. So are the majority of applicant actually like this

    1. I heard about 9 out of 10 that apply do not meet the physical standards. I don't know how many of those are absolutely horrible, though.