Friday, March 14, 2014

Misleading Nutritional Labels

Eating healthy has become a trend due to the growing obesity problem in developed countries. As a result, food companies have created “healthy” labels to guide customers towards their products. Most of these so-called labels are bullshit though. They’re a monetary ploy to trick customers into spending money.

Let’s examine some common labels out there and their deceptive meanings:

Organic – Sometimes is organic, but not always. Corporations have jumped on the “organic” bandwagon in order to cash in on the health trend. Finding a true organic product will require some research on your part. Or you can start a garden yourself.

Natural Flavors – Beware of this so-called “ingredient.” This is a bullshit word companies use to trick the consumer into thinking that there’s something healthy inside the product. The term “natural flavors” can mean anything that comes from nature. So if I picked up a stick in the woods, skewered a piece of bear shit, and dropped it into a can, I can say this particular ingredient is “natural flavors.”

Reduced Fat / Fat Free – Tends to have a lot of sugar or sodium as a substitute. If you buy 5 lbs. bag of sugar, then it’s guaranteed to be 100% fat free.

Sugar Free – Similar to the “fat free” label, companies substitute sugar with some other harmful chemical, such as hydrogenated oils. Sometimes, you’re better off eating actual sugar. There are some studies claim that sugar-substitutes can cause cancer. Then again, being alive can cause cancer. Ever notice that only living people get cancer?

Cage-free Chickens – They’re cage-free all right, but possibly live crammed together with a thousand other chickens in a coupe. I own chickens myself. So if I shoved two-hundred of them inside my toolshed, then they’d be cage-free chickens too!

Green Labels – A lot of frozen dinners come with green labels that allude to being “healthy” with low calories. This shit might have fewer calories, but the content of sodium, preservatives, and MSG is still prevalent. Also, the green labels attached to food and eco-friendly products is another advertising fad aimed at making money. Be sure to check the ingredients.

X grams of Protein – 25 grams of protein per serving can also come with 30 grams of sugar and lard. Protein bars tend to be the culprit here, but there are a few other products that tote the protein label because everyone assumes that protein is good. Many protein bars tend to have large amounts of sugar alcohol as a sweetener, so they’re not really that nutritious. Since these “high-protein” products often use peanuts as the protein source, just buy peanuts or almonds instead.

0 grams of Trans Fat – This food can have a high concentration of saturated fat instead, which is the type of fat that your body has a hard time breaking down.

All Natural – Very vague and deceptive. Once again, I can put rocks, sticks, and turds into the mix and call it “all natural.”  

Low Carb – Ever since the Atkins Diet fad, a lot of people associate carbohydrates as something worse than saturated fat. Your body needs carbs to function. Your muscles and brain needs carbs to function properly. There are different types of carbohydrates, such as fibrous carbs and starchy carbs. Complex carbohydrates, especially from potatoes, give a boost to your workout.

Electrolytes – Many drinks claim to “replenish your body’s electrolytes.” What they mean to say is that there is shit like potassium bicarbonate and calcium chloride in the drink, often combined with sugar to make it taste better. Just drink fuckin water. If you have a phobia of fluoride and other chemicals in water, then buy distilled water. 



  1. What if you could walk into any strip club and walk out that same evening with the sexiest, hottest, totally gorgeous stripper, lap dancer or exotic dance male strippergrams and be the envy of every man in the room?

  2. Hydrogenated fats are trans fats. Lets not forget that just because the label says 0g trans fat that as long as there is less then 0.5g trans fat per serving they do not have to list it on the nutrition label. Just saying is all.

    1. Thanks for clearing that up. I meant to use saturated fat instead. That's interesting about the 0.5 g label. Thanks for adding that.

    2. Did you just advice people to drink distilled water? You are one google search away of finding out you're an idiot.

    3. Did you just advice people to drink distilled water? You are one google search away of finding out you're an idiot.

    4. @ lilybluestocking: Right. Did you get your PhD from Google as well? And since you're grading here, it is "advise" rather than "advice," one being a verb and the other being a noun.

      There are many studies that are for and against drinking distilled water, most centering their arguments on the lack of minerals and toxic substances. So what exactly is your argument here?