Tuesday, October 27, 2015

The Naked Butler

If you live in the U.K., then chances are that you've heard of "naked butlers." They are an entertainment service quite similar to male strippers. They wear a bow tie, cuffs, and apron to service parties and make them memorable, but they are not required to dance.

My friend, Imperial, works for such a company, and here's his take on a recent party:

The Set-up:
One Saturday night a few months ago in London, I was hired as a naked butler for a hen party. My job involves serving food and drinks and playing games with the girls...with most of my clothes off. My outfit consists of a collar, bow-tie and cuffs and a small pinney. That's it. My ass is on show.

A Naked Butler wearing a pinney.

The cocaine:
So I turned up at the house and was secretly lead upstairs to a bedroom by the maid of honor to get changed. I was to be a surprise for the bride who was totally unaware downstairs with the rest of her friends. Whilst I got changed the maid of honor starts cutting up lines of cocaine on a tray right in front of me. I wasn't sure what to make of this. She told me she wanted me to burst into the room downstairs to surprise the bride with the tray of coke in my hands and my bare ass blowing in the breeze. I wasn't sure if my agent would want me doing this but I figured if I did it might help me get a tip and besides, no one has to know. So I agreed to do it.

When I was finally ready, I carefully made my way down the stairs with the tray of coke in my hands. "Shit", I thought to myself, "What if I sneeze or trip? What if one of the hens lifts up my pinney while I'm holding the tray?" I was just outside the room now. The maid of honor opened the door for me and I burst into the room, "HAPPY HEN DAY!!" I shouted. The bride turned around totally surprised but thankfully she loved it. Then her eyes fell to the tray in my hands where she saw her name spelled out in lines of cocaine. A friend handed her a £10 note and she snorted away like a pro. 

The lady in red:
There were about 10 women there at the party and one in particular immediately caught me eye. I knew I wanted her. She had a sexy red dress, black hair and an exotic middle-eastern look about her. I was serving champagne now and as I poured her a glass I said softly to her almost whispering, "I looove what you're wearing." I then gave her my best, "I'm-gonna-eat-you face". She looked quite flabbergasted so I wasn't sure if she was creeped-out or not (LOL) so I continued pouring drinks for the rest of the hens.  

A short while later the bride asked me if I was single and what kind of girls I liked. I pointed to her sexy friend in the red. The bride immediately went over to the lady in red and told her what I just said. The sexy friend gasped in disbelief as if she was saying, "Me?? He likes me?? Really??" The bride then summoned me over and pushed the two of us together before leaving us to it.  I flirted with the lady in red making it unapologetically obvious that I liked her. I couldn't stay talking to her all night though so had to slip away topping up drinks and chatting with the other hens. I was there to work after all. I found out she was from Dubai and in town for 2 weeks and separated from her husband (who was based here in London).

Guess the bride's age:
At one point the bride pulled me aside and wanted me to guess her age. I didn't want to as I generally end up offending most women when I do this so I refused and told her why. She persisted though and told me to be honest and that she wouldn't be offended. I still refused. Then she persisted even more and wouldn't leave me the fuck alone! Shit, I thought. I better guess really low then just to be safe. She was Asian just like me (she was Vietnamese) so I knew she'd probably be a lot younger than she looked. To me honestly, I really thought she was well into her 50's, maybe even 60. She had a lot of make-up on so I figured she did it to hide her old age. I told her she looked 50. "Yeah, that's low enough. I'm playing it safe for sure" I thought. When I told her 50 she said, "50? I look 50? Really? Do I look 50?" I couldn't tell immediately but hoped to GOD she was happy with my answer. I was wrong. Dead wrong. "I'm 39" she said and even told me her date of birth. Holy shit. She was one day older than me then. She pretended to be OK about it and reminded me she wanted brutal honesty. She told a couple of the others what I said and they looked at me saying, "WTF? You're joking, right?" But to me she honestly did look 50. I figured cocaine must make you look old.

The boner:
So as the night went on we played games of which mostly involved physical contact with me. They were pretty risque games such as who can give the butler the best lap-dance. When it was the lady in red's turn she kept moving towards my lips like she was gonna kiss me. I'd reciprocate but like a tease she'd pull away every time. I was determined to make-out with her before the end of the night. Another game came along where the hens just randomly started twerking their asses right up against my crotch. When it came to the hens with tight dresses I got a little carried away; I was beginning to enjoy myself a little too much and my hands went wandering. They didn't mind though. I guess I'd given them enough champagne by now they were having a great time. The bride in particular though was really getting into the twerking which amazed me (I thought she was still upset with me about the age thing). She ended up giving me a boner. When the bride had finished she left me standing there with my boner in full view trying to burst out of my pinney like the chestburster in Alien. It was my first boner on the job and I felt quite proud. A couple of the other hens tittered to themselves pointing at my wood but I just shrugged it off like it was no big deal and carried on. 

Putting the moves on:
The party was winding-down now and it was nearing the end of my shift. Most of the hens had gone to another room now to do more coke so I was left in the lounge with just a couple others and the lady in red. She and I were just chatting, no one was paying attention to us. I stood close to her giving her solid hungry-eyes with my back to the other hens. I waited for a pause in the conversation and sneakily kissed her. This time she didn't pull away. Her kiss was as sweet as I had imagined. I was conscious I was still on the clock though (just about) and in front of the other hens so I told the lady in red to come with me upstairs to "help me get changed". 

We went up to the bedroom where my clothes were and she sat on the bed as she watched me change. I told her I'm usually really professional and she was the first hen I'd taken a number off let alone kiss (true). The bedroom door was closed now. I just had my jeans back on now and thought to myself, "Oh fuck this" and just lunged at her. We started making-out again and I pushed her back on the bed as I climbed on top of her. She was really getting into it. "I can't fuck her here!" I thought to myself, "its not even my house." Anyway after a while I stopped and continued getting dressed. As I went back downstairs with her just before saying my goodbyes to the others I suddenly pushed her up against the wall and started making-out with her again. This time I knew she was turned on because I could smell her wetness. But then we were suddenly interrupted when the living room door opened from the inside. And so we went into the lounge and I said my goodbyes and apologised to the maid of honor about getting the bride's age wrong. Needless to say I didn't get a tip but did get to make-out with a sexy girl and get her number.

My agent thanked me for doing the job but said he'd received a little complaint about the age thing. Ok, no biggie. The lady in red texted me a little but very quickly stopped replying after a while as I suspected she would. She probably didn't take me seriously as a potential date because of my job or was having a reconciliation with her estranged husband.

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