Hi Dion. I like your article and I agree. But in my case I have to say that... well... i don't drink, i don't like alcohol, so when i'm in a party i'm just there with some friends, dance a bit but i don't feel it like that's my world.
Since i was a teenager I've been always been the nice and correct guy, i can talk about many subjects, most of them are serious subjects, or stuff to think about, things like that. And of course that's not what a group of friends or new people I get to meet want to talk about (in a no party situation). Even my taste in music tend to fall in the quiet ones. So I always try to get fun but I just don't feel it.
Do I want to date and be very extrovert with the girls? yes. I've tried? yes many times. The problem is that when I start doing it (being a funny guy) I feel like I'm betraying myself because i know i'm not like that and feel in my mind that the whole situation is ridiculous, that I lie to myself.
Some people use to say this to me: "you think too much" "you just want be different than the rest because you want to feel special". Trying to relate myself in that kind of social activities and that kind of people is so difficult to me and they must feel the same. I would like to hear your blunt opinion about it.
And yes i'm a virgin, 32 years old (yeah I know), a lean body in good shape, not that handsome sadly (heads too big in proportion to the rest of my body and a natural "tired expression" in my face that doesn't look energetic or very manly at all), live alone, good job, and i'm not even a religious person.
A friend told me to start behaving like a douchebag to get a girl. And of course I don't think that's the way to go. So again, your opinion or advice please, when you have the time of course.
- Henry Edu.
Hi, Henry. I can relate with your issues, since I shared a similar situation during my high school and early college years, some of which I wrote about in my male stripper memoir. As for getting a girl, I can provide you some limited advice.
First off, I don't know you, nor have I witnessed you in action, so I cannot really give a good critique on what you're doing wrong. However, judging from what you've said and what your friends have supposedly said about you, the statements like "you think too much" and "you want to feel special" may reflect upon a social shortcoming on your end. You mentioned that you have a difficult time relating others and their typical social activities.
That definitely presents an obstacle.
One important thing about socializing is relating to others. If you cannot do this, then you cannot break the ice and have others warm up to you. My initial impression is that you're really focused on your interests (serious subjects and such), but at the same time, you don't take much heed of others... at least on a genuine level. Hence, your inability to relate with them and their social activities.
The thing is. You don't have to relate with them, but you can take an open-minded attitude when conversing with them.
Everyone loves a good listener. Shove your interests into the background and focus on whoever you're talking to. Be genuine about it, like you're really trying to learn something new. You'll be surprised at how much people will talk to you when you cue them. Try to discover their hobbies and passions in life, and their conversations will come to life. The best part is that you won't even have to say much.
Also, forget about acting like something you're not. You can't be a gregarious comedian if that's not your personality. Some PUA (pick-up artist) tactics advocate acting cocky and funny, but this comes across as artificial, if not cringe-worthy, especially if you're trying too hard to find cocky and funny things to say in a casual conversation. And definitely don't act like a douche-bag, because people will just think you're an asshole, and no one likes hanging around an asshole.
Keep in mind that you don't have to limit your social interactions with drinking, partying, and clubs.
That's right. I'm not a fan of drinking, and I definitely dislike going to clubs and bars in my free time. Yet, I still meet plenty of women. In fact, I've met most of the women I dated outside of the partying lifestyle. I'll get to that in a minute, though.
The problem is that many people these days get hung up on the idea that clubs, bars, and parties are the only ways to mingle with singles. For some people, like yourself, these places are a waste of time. Even more so when the bar is full of men competing for a few girls. Social apps like Tinder can be just as frustrating.
Instead, try conventions or local clubs that cater to your hobbies. Or you can try cross-fit, marathons, or volunteer organizations. These places are great for socializing, and present many opportunities for meeting quality people who share your interests.
Now you mentioned about not being "that handsome." Whether that's the case or not, you let each individual girl decide that. If you place yourself into a 5 out of 10 category, then girls will probably rate you as a 5 out of 10. If you have a tired look, practice "brightening" your look in the mirror. Then try to wear that energetic mask when you go out in public. I look tired sometimes, too, but I wash that look away as soon as I enter these bachelorette parties.
Most importantly, find happiness in yourself. At the end of the day, you should make yourself happy instead of relying on the the companionship of someone else. I've had my share of beautiful women, along with threesomes with beautiful women, and while these things are fun, they don't ultimately make me happy. Fulfilling goals and indulging passions do.
I hope this helps!