Saturday, October 31, 2015

Critiquing Applicants - Part 5

It's that time once again, folks. We have several bold guys who think they have what it takes to become male strippers. Let's see if they meet the standards.

First off, let's start with a pic of Ash (shown on the left). That's not his real name, but we'll just call him that for the sake of brevity.

Ash works for some of the top male stripper agencies in the United States. Chances are that if you browsed through some of their websites, then you probably had stumbled across a few of his pictures.

He's a good example of what companies look for in male strippers. He has a well-proportioned, muscular physique, and his head shots (not shown) reveal a top-quality model. On top of all that, he's very well-mannered and professional, and knows how to treat customers accordingly.

Whenever a customer or male stripper applicant goes to a company's website, they will see a roster of men with physiques that rivals Ash's. The size and looks may vary, but they all have one thing in common: a good degree of muscularity, abs, good-looking face, and professionally taken photos.

With that being said, all adult entertainer websites advertise men of such caliber. That's the standard that they're looking in applicants---with some minor deviation here and there.

Without further ado, let's see how our new batch of applicants faired.

The traditional "S" pose of female models.

Male Stripper Applicant #14

Stage Name:  Mr. Fifty

Mr. Fifty didn't really provide a stage name, so I made one up for him. I chose that name because he is fifty-years old. I think the picture speaks for itself.

As you can see, Mr. Fifty chose his yard as the choice of backdrop for his professional photograph. Notice how he grasps the chain-link fence. The pile of leaves and the patch of dirt at the bottom of the stairs all add to the artistic value of the photo.

Our subject, Mr. Fifty, must have thought he had something to offer against the likes of Ash. Perhaps the industry has a lacking number of skinny, pasty, older men with the John Travolta hairstyle of the 80's, and Mr. Fifty would fill in that gap much to the delight of horny women everywhere.

You ladies want this?
That's a nice pose there, too, Mr. Fifty. Observe in the above pic how he thrusts his left hip out and raises the shoulder on the opposite side. This is a common pose in the modeling industry with FEMALE MODELS, also known as the "S" pose. Male models strike poses to show off their muscles, abs, their masculinity. Mr. Fifty apparently wants to show off how girly he can make his hips. I wonder if he sought inspiration from Vogue magazine.

The only thing left to wonder about is who took these pictures for him. Did the person taking the pictures know that Mr. Fifty was applying to become a male stripper? If so, wouldn't he or she suggest the low probability of that notion? I mean, you'd have to be a fake friend to say, "Yeah mate, you're totally going to get this job--those other guys on that website have no chance in hell against you!"

Final Verdict:  REJECTED

Here's an idea for a backdrop: Stack a mattress against the wall.

Male Stripper Applicant #15

Stage Name: J-Boner

Costumes: "Can get costumes immediately."

Experience: None.

Transportation: Yes.

Name, date-of-birth, and contact information provided.

Age: 21

Height: Approximately 6'00"

At first, the company agent thought this guy was joking, especially with the stage name, "J-Boner." But this guy was dead serious about getting a job.

I'll show off the abs, but hide the rest...
"A real classy guy," my agent said caustically. "If I tell them that I'm sending over a guy named J-Boner to their party, I'm sure they'll be swooning like Christian Grey himself is coming to strip."

J-Boner must not understand the concept of taking a good picture. You'd figure that an applicant would want to look his best before submitting an application to a company that hires based on looks. Or maybe this is J-Boner looking his best. I'd hate to see him on a bad day.

Where does this nuclear-powered boost of self-confidence come from? Maybe from J-Boner's abs, which he proudly shows off in the pic on the left.

That brings me to my next point.

Being a skinny guy with abs does not qualify you to become a male stripper. Many guys who fit this category apply with over-confidence, like their six-pack is their pride and joy. One of my agents had this saying: "In this industry, a skinny guy with a six-pack is like a fat chick with big tits--it doesn't count."

My agent also checks public records to see if the applicants have a criminal history. "The last thing I want is to hire some guy who has a history of violence, excessive drug charges, or stealing shit from people," he said. "These guys always cause problems and are huge liabilities for the company."

J-Boner also thought he'd make a good MMA fighter.
Even though J-Boner had no chance in hell at getting hired, my agent checked anyway out of sheer curiosity, stating, "Idiots who are this delusional usually break the law. It goes hand in hand. If he thinks he's God's gift to women when he clearly isn't, then he probably thinks he's above the law in many ways."

Sure enough, my agent found and sent me the picture on the right. "This was just one of MANY mugshots," he said.

I guess J-Boner was looking his best when he sent those other pics in.

Final Verdict: Rejected.

Male Stripper Applicant #16

Stage Name: Manlet (Not actually provided.)

Age: 22

Height: 5'02"
"I am 22 but Im what u need."

Manlet did not actually provide much information when applying beyond the required pics and proof of I.D., but he did write this message: "I am 22 but Im what u need."

Wow. That's a Kanye West-sized dose of narcissism there. With guys like Ash representing the company, this guy must have something extravagant to offer, right?

Let's take a look to the pic on the right.

For the benefit of you readers, I cropped out the bottom half of this photo. Just in case you were wondering, it showed Manlet with his boxers around his ankles, and his less-than-average-sized penis standing at full attention for the camera. Be glad that I spared you the sight.

He's like a mean little chihuahua.
Well, Ash and those other guys can just pack away their thongs and find work elsewhere because we got a new stud on the block. At 5 feet 2 inches tall, Manlet stands several inches shorter than your average female at your bachelorette party. Therefore, he's guaranteed to make any short girl feel taller and more confident about herself. He doesn't have much in the way of muscles, but he's definitely "what u need."

As if that's not enough, Manlet has quite the extensive arrest record, including his favorite recreational activities of burglaries, various narcotic violations, and miscellaneous assault/battery charges.

So ladies, if you're looking for some guy to steal your stuff, come to your party all fucked up, or beat your ass, this is the ideal candidate for you. Given his size, you and your party can probably take him, though.

Seriously, if you ladies ever wondered why scraggly and shady characters think they have a good shot with you, despite you being completely out of their league, then all you need to do is refer to this post about Manlet. He obviously considers himself on the level (or even above) that of Ash's, and exactly "what u need."

Final Verdict: Rejected. However, Manlet may find life in the prison system more to his liking.


  1. And what do these three parasitic organisms have in common? They are representatives of the species known as WHITE TRASH. Yes, white trash, the lowest "life form" indigenous to North America. They are the direct descendants of criminals and mental patients who were kicked out of England 300-400 years ago. It is the species from which rednecks and wiggers spawn!

  2. That first one was quite terrifying

    So i guess we can assume more applicants are rejected then accepted. I think You had 1 guy on temp trial.... who later failed